Running in the Dark

March 20, 2014

Spring has finally come and so has the warm weather and I was determined to squeeze in a run!  My day was busy and didn’t really have room for a run.  It was 8:00pm before I had a chance to get my sneakers on and although it was darker and a little colder than I would prefer, it had been the kind of day that only a few miles could fix.  

I never really cared much either way about running in the dark until the early dark morning I came face to face with a fox crossing my path on his way home from the beach.  That was the first time it occurred to me that I was much safer running during daylight.  But tonight, I needed the alone time with my thoughts, the rhythm of my breath and feet on the pavement.  A quick quiet run had a way of ironing out the wrinkles of the day.  

I chose a route I knew well, flat and well lit for the most part.  It wasn’t long before I came to a stretch that was dark, it was a quick stretch through a small park by my home.  My heart beat  a little faster, I could see the eyes of the deer glowing, frozen in space at me.  They had made their home just beyond the boundaries of the park, so I knew what was staring at me as I ran by.  Even knowing what was hiding in the darkness of the park, left me wanting to run through the park faster.  I could see the street light at the end of the street leading into the park and kept my focus on that.

A couple more corners on my run were quite dark, one becoming so dark, I couldn’t see the sidewalk in front of me and was forced to slow down and step carefully. I had to rely on my inner sight to know where to step so I could see in the dark.  It made me think of the times in my life that I could not see where I was going, the times when my world was so dark, it seemed impossible that the world as a whole had not ended.  I had to step slowly and carefully because it was too dark to see where I was going.  But, I can see now, that choosing to keep going forward in the dark, sometimes with absolutely no grace and very clumsily is how I eventually discovered the rest of the world was still very much alive and full of light. I also had to have faith that in going forward in the dark, I would eventually be able to see where I was and where I was going, whether I found light or just simply adapted to the darkness.   How often do we get stuck where we are because we are afraid of the dark and not being able to see what step is next?  

As I stepped with care not to turn my ankle on a possibly uneven sidewalk shift, I told myself, this is temporary.  Isn’t it all just temporary?  We all put so much on emphasis on things that are temporary.  Even our bodies are temporary, they will break down one day and only our spirits/souls will be left.  But how much time do we spend nurturing our spirits and souls? Telling myself its temporary and learning to recognize the true wealth in my life has offered me incredible freedom.   Less than a year after I moved into my apartment with my children (our new beginning) Hurricane Sandy flooded our basement.  It was aggravating but people around me seemed a lot more upset on my behalf than I was for the losses I incurred.  Sandy literally washed away the stuff from my past and I saw it.  The stuff I tried to hold on to from a bad history, was washed away.  But our home was safe, we were safe, and suddenly it became very clear what was of value.  I know all that stuff is just stuff, it can be washed away in a storm.  When I find myself getting overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a single mom, I stop and tell myself, “Today, we have food, shelter, and clothing.  We all have everything we need today and today we are safe.” Nothing I truly value in my home can be washed away in a storm today.

I’ve also been greatly blessed with an incredible support system of family and friends.  I have had a journey full of trials and difficulties but when I look beyond the bad and focus on the love and support that has always surrounded and protected me, I cannot help but choose to be grateful.  I have been blessed to see what is and is not temporary.   So as I continued on my run, I knew if I stayed the course, I’d get back to the well-lit path and be home before I knew it.  

With a half mile left , I glanced up at the sky.  I am usually so focused on being safe when running in the dark, I don’t take in the moments surrounding me like I do on a beautiful sunny day.  The sky was twinkling with stars, absolutely breathtaking, and I almost missed it. The stars have lit our skies since the beginning of time.  Sometimes, I take for granted that they will always be there and I forget just how fascinating and spectacular and beautiful they really are. What else do I miss when I let the temporary parts of life get in the way?   What else in my life do I take for granted simply because it’s always there?

This week, I want to be conscious of my blessings, what is lasting, and appreciate and be full of gratitude for that which is, in essence, spectacular and beautiful and cannot be washed away in a dark storm.  I am grateful for the darkest hours of my life for teaching me how to see, even in the dark,  all that is lasting and full of light and love in my life.