90 Miles

Today was the last mile of my daily winter warrior challenge of running at least one outdoor mile every day. Sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I ran with at least one friend, conversation making some of those colder and darker runs seem to fly by.  And sometimes, I ran alone, enjoying the quiet but usually on the days I run alone, I think.  I think about everything from my to do lists to grocery lists to the workouts coming up to organizing the kids and work.  My brain stays busy focusing on all the other areas of my life while I mindlessly breathe and place one foot in front of the other.   

Today, being the last official day of my personal challenge, I wanted to run alone.  I wanted to do something today with this 90th mile that I rarely do.  I wanted to intentionally stop thinking and be. I wanted to savor every step of this last mile. I wanted to not reflect on anything or make any lists.  This was harder than I thought.  I started out thinking about what I had learned, what this challenge taught me.  And then, in the gentle way that running strips away those superfluous layers of life reaching your soul, I slowly began to let even those thoughts go, focusing only on breathing and moving, really feeling my breathe and my feet as they turned over one in front of the other.  All there was out there was me, my feet, my breathe, and my soul.    As I came back around the corner finishing my run I began to become aware of the other people and things around me and almost immediately, my brain switched back on.  I started reflecting on what I learned throughout the course of these 90 miles, after all it would be a shame to run so far and learn nothing.

I learned I am strong enough to fall.  One day at the start of my run after a bad snow/ice storm, as I stepped carefully off a curb my foot caught a patch of black ice and I wiped out into the street.  But somehow, as quickly as my butt bit the pavement, I seemed to bounce myself right back up, my hand breaking the fall in just the right way.  A little sore and startled, I continued to finish my mile slowing down cautiously watching each and every step I took.  But as I ran, shaking off the fall, it occurred to me, I’ve come to a place where I can fall down and am strong enough to get back up without stopping.  I can fail without quitting.  My body knew how to take the fall and get up with very little thought on my part, it just responded.  I can trust my body can do more than my mind thinks it can.  How often do I allow my thoughts to limit my growth or hold me back from bouncing back up when I fall?

I have learned that conditions can not change my course.  This winter in many ways, was mild, I ran in shorts a few times.  This winter also ushered in one of the most bitter days with wind chills of 25 degrees below zero.  On that day, I questioned maintaining my commitment to this challenge in the interest of my overall health and safety.  But the fabric of who I am would not allow me to quit.  The promises I make to myself need to be as important as the promises I make to others. With only my eyes exposed to the cold air, and layered like a polar bear I ran that awkward mile.  I actually really enjoyed that mile a lot, and it was no where near as difficult as I had feared it would be.  Once again, my fear was much larger than the reality, once I relaxed into it. How much time do I spend worrying about things, making them bigger than they really are?  The conditions and fears I have do not need to stop what I do or change who I am.  I can continue forward, committed to myself and my journey.  I can grow through the change that adverse conditions cause and in that, I grow stronger and more resilient.  The change, the adverse conditions, are gifts and blessings designed for my growth.

I am mostly grateful to these 90 miles for the time and gift it gave to me, eight to ten minutes of clarity everyday. It was a  journey I didn’t plan on, but instead found myself moving through one day, one mile, one moment at a time. A journey teaching me how to move through life, one moment at a time, never forgetting to look up  to that dark morning sky full of bright stars and believe in miracles because there is always something more.  A journey preparing me for the next journey,  whatever it is and wherever it may take me.