Winter lessons

I woke up today for the first time in months, feeling like me again.  

It seems for years now, from about November  - mid March I slowly fall to pieces inside.  I try every year to keep myself in one piece, at least on the outside.  I understand why it happens.  But understanding doesn’t make it feel any better. Grief is a long dark journey that is often very lonely, and gray winter days don’t help much.  I have learned to brace for the impact winter will undoubtedly try to crush me with.  But often that is not my best self.  I’m stronger than this, I’m braver than this, so I smile, I fight on, I fight anything and everything that will take my punches, especially myself.  My self talk becomes negative and I doubt everything and everyone in my life, including myself. I become someone I am not proud of, I stop taking care of myself, and I slowly fall apart, I survive winter in what ever way I have to, at times, floundering, grasping at straws, holding on, so afraid to lose anything or fail again, insecure.   I tell myself what I so often tell my patients and clients, this isn’t forever, it’s just for now, everything is just for now.  I know Spring will shift me back to the laid back, happy, easy going person I really am if I can get there.  For the past month, I could not seem to feel well enough to really eat or sleep well.  One week, unable to eat anything at all, another unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours a day, and then, last week my body having enough of the winter slump and my own self inflicted grief beatings,  slept like I haven’t slept since I had mono in high school.  I literally shut completely down. I got up, fed the kids, went to work, fed the kids, went to sleep with very little else between.    


And then, just when the pressure of winter feels too much, Spring comes, and I take a deep breath and breathe again, my anxieties and stress, melting as easily as the snow in the warm sun.  Grateful for the way seasons, push us and changes us.  Spring allowing me to start over, fresh, new, and become a better me, easy, gentle, and kind, looking forward to what is coming..… Summer, that is when I soak up the glories of my growth.  Autumn, seeing the beauty of change and learning to let go of all that no longer serves a purpose in my life.  Winter, challenging me and forging another year of growth.  And once back to Spring, I can always appreciate the journey and lessons learned, embracing life again with hope and faith and love.  I become me again and that always feels good.  


But isn’t that the beauty of life, the journey? I can fall but I can also get back up and learn from my setbacks and disappointments, so in that journey, I find my success.  I can forgive myself and my past and find my way again.  And I only need to look at my boys, the foundation of my journey, the angels pulling me and pushing me through one day at a time. 

You know the other beautiful part I am learning to appreciate from my ups and downs during the year?  It is an amazing way to discover the real people.  The people who are still there after all the bad days.  The people who can see straight through to who I really am and the others, who can’t well that’s okay too because now I can just let them melt away with the winter snows, the just for nows, their presence, temporary but necessary for me to be more.   I am learning to appreciate what winter teaches me each year through this process. And I reset, refocus on what is most important,  and continue on this journey of life, looking forward to brighter, warmer days ahead.  

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