Finding Me.....

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Six years ago today, I closed a long and significant chapter in my life and started out on a fresh new journey.  I officially and legally became me again, changing my name back to my maiden name at my divorce hearing.  I had given it a lot of thought and realized it was important to walk in the direction of identifying myself apart from my past, on a journey to getting to know who I am.  I knew my love for my sons was deeper than any surname and that they know how much I love and adore each of them regardless of our names.  And despite how unpleasant the past had been I was terrified and so sad to be letting it go.  I cried alone in the bathroom of the courtroom for a while before I was able to stand in front of the judge and let it all go.

It has been a long journey with lots of ups and downs along the way.  I fought until I had no fight left in me and then eventually chose peace.  Occasionally, I can still fall into the trap of bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, and fear.  But I grew to realize, they are traps that hold us back from becoming who we are meant to be.  I can be more if I just let go.  

The beauty of anniversaries, good ones and not so good ones is they give us a point of reference to look forward from and to give ourselves credit to see every moment is truly a blessing on our journey, each experience, every broken heart, every tear, every burst of laughter, and smile, a stepping stone and gift on the journey of life.  In the past six years I’ve learned to accomplish more than I ever imagined I could.  I shattered the ceilings I had boxed myself into physically, spiritually, and professionally.  I stopped trying to survive and started living. I’ve made millions of mistakes and failed thousands of times and I always did my best to fix things only to discover, it’s not for me to fix but to accept and stand solid on my own two feet, look forward, and let it go.  I’ve made wonderful new friendships and the old ones that truly count, remained as my life evolved.  Sometimes, I was flying, others stumbling through, but no matter now, still got to this day and I have learned from my boys, it doesn't always matter how you go forward, just so long as you go forward,  we all find our way eventually, there are no wrong ways of doing things, what is meant for us, finds its way.  


The past six years have not been easy, but today, I wouldn’t trade getting to know me for the world. I'm proud of who I am today. I’ve still got a long way to go in learning to trust again, the way I once did, but I suspect that too, will come in time as I learn how to trust myself and who I really am, first. And I cannot wait to see what comes next on this crazy journey that is my life. It's been pretty amazing and beautiful so far.....  

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