Acorns and Crab Apples

 12/31/2022

 

It is the last day of 2022.  Many of us will reflect on the year and set goals for 2023.  Many of us probably already have.  As I reflected on my year, I began to see how far I have come, what I accomplished.  Things that I or others, at one point, believed were impossible.  But this year I proved to myself again, that nothing is impossible.  I set my goals and focused.  It sounds simple enough but that kind of focus is not met without challenges.  

 

When I run in the early morning, alone, in the dark.  I know my route and while it is fairly well lit by street lights, there are small corners that get darker and it’s not always easy to see the ground in front of me.  Plenty of times, despite my intentions of the direction I am going, there is something as small as an acorn or a fallen crab apple that tries to stop me.  That obstacle I didn’t see coming, trying to twist my ankle and set me off course.  But running that route over and over, I have come to know where those doubts will pop up, where those hidden obstacles will attempt to derail my run, and I can move past them.  They taught me their lesson and I moved on, learning the lesson but focused on my goals. 

 

My 2022 was full of new adventures.  I completed a 50K course I laid out for myself, completing the run along the Connecticut coastline mostly solo.  I had stationed my own water and packed my nutrition of gel and a 2 power bars that I would strategically portion throughout the day. The plan, the hope had been that others would jump into the run for small segments, so I was not totally alone out there, but that did not really work out as I hoped..  Around mile 24, my good friend showed up on the course. Just before she had shown up, I was considering quitting.  I was tired.  I was alone. My camelback was leaking so I was running out of water.  I was coming up with excuses to quit, to fail.  But like the best kind of friends in the world, they use their sheer spirit to lift yours and that’s exactly what she did for me.  Her smile and her joy to have found me out there and run with me, she carried me to mile 28 and I knew at that point I would finish no matter what. My body stopped feeling broken, her husband met me with a water bottle on the corner of the street and my brain stopped feeling tired.  

 

 I began my run at 4:00am, with the hopes of finishing in time to make it to my son’s baseball game.  Those first 18 miles I felt strong and confident.  I was proud of myself.  I reflected on my resilience and for once, I just accepted that I was doing something incredible. Even if I don’t finish this I thought, I have never given up in life.  No one would have ever expected me to do this in my life, except for me – and maybe that’s the only opinion that matters.  Eventually around mile 20 I realized my camel back was leaking and I was out of water.  I knew I would need to be careful and smart under the mid-morning sun to finish what I started.  Part of me wanted to panic in frustration but instead I, convinced myself this was still doable, and it would work out.  And it did! My older children and a couple of their friends finished the race with me.  I was soaked in sweat and dehydrated so despite my begging my son to drive me to the baseball game, he insisted I go home and rest.  As I let the cold water pour out of the shower on my sore and tired body I looked down at my toes, I had not lost any toe nails and for whatever reason, that was what I was most proud of that day. But looking back all these months later, I am so proud of that run.  I trained alone.  I laid out the course alone.  I ran almost all of that 50K alone.  I did all of this while working full and part time, and finishing my degree on a full-time schedule, interviewing for a new career, and finally volunteering with a community organization and working on a collaboration with a local brewery to create our very own beer of which a portion of sales went to our local land trust company.  There were lots of acorns and crab apples that I couldn’t always see but I let each challenge teach me a lesson that helped me grow.  Sometimes that growth makes me tired and makes my body feel broken.  But I’ll take the scars and the discomfort to feel the pride in the year I had in 2022.    

 

When I look back and reflect, what I realize made 2022 so incredible for me, was my choosing to go after impossible one step at a time.  So, as I look forward to 2023, I intend to find at least one impossible thing and keep running towards it.  It is never really about the miles, but each step along the way and being grateful for those steps with acorns and crab apples in the dark that try to trip you.  Life really only requires us to start, one step at a time and push through those acorns and crab apples that challenge and raise doubts and slowly with each step what was once impossible becomes increasingly possible, you become stronger and more resilient, and  the rest will work itself out when you simply believe in yourself even in the broken moments and doubts. Just begin! So what if you trip and fall? Be grateful for the lesson, get up and keep going until you have made the impossible possible.  

Wishing all a happy new year  full of they in new beginnings in 2023!