Becoming

 

I have been doing my best to get in more miles and runs and have two biggish races on my calendar now, a half and full marathon to keep me motivated.  I cannot help but notice lately on my runs how different everything feels.  My ankles tighten up faster, my quads and hamstrings start to burn sooner on the hills, my breathing feels like work some days.  I’ve been incorporating strength training again and focusing on my nutrition more to alleviate these challenges. 

 

“What have I become?” I wondered as I willed myself through my miles the other day.  It’s time, I suppose, that continues to pass and age us all into new challenges.  I don’t like acknowledging this, but I’ve gotten older, my kids are all adults now, starting their lives and trying to figure it all out.  When they get frustrated with the challenges in life, I want to tell them, I’m still figuring it all out too. Just like these runs, some days, it’s challenging.

 

I’d be lying to say that your kids growing up is easy.  There is so much joy in witnessing their growth and becoming.  But one day it’s your entire world, unimaginably busy and loud and the next the house is quiet, empty, lonely and that world  I always knew has left a void.  Our situation was different from most, I raised my boys alone and dedicated all my time and resources to only that.  Everything I did, every decision I made was ultimately about being the best mom (and dad) I could be for them. And I did it.  With a few bumps and scrapes and broken bones along the way, I raised them into men, but no one tells you about the feeling of quiet grief that comes when it’s just over and you’re wishing for just a little more time, one more Saturday full of sport activities, one more school play, one more argument to mediate, one more moment to soak it all up one more time – not just holidays – the day to day that just stops.  It wasn’t really all of a sudden though, the changes were subtle, quiet, easy to miss most of the time but still it was always changing, and we just don’t get those extra moments when it is over. I am left, now, trying to fill the empty that remains while my children continue becoming who they are meant to be.

 

As I ran and pondered how fast that time went and beat myself up for all the things, I wish I could have done better, I started to realize that I was still running the same routes, the same trees, lights, walls, but parts of the landscape changed too, houses stand in what were once quiet empty lots, small cape cods have become multi story modern homes, apartment buildings have been squeezed into places I never would have conceived they could fit.  It all changes slowly, until we finally notice and want to scream “STOP!” because suddenly it feels like it is all changing so fast and the truth is it’s not always easy to feel if all this change is good or bad, right or wrong. I seek what I know and find myself at the water’s edge catching my breath as the sky turns pink and just listen to my own breath in and out.

 

As I continued chasing the sunrise, the question in my mind shifted from what have I become? to what do I want to become now? Who am I becoming? I must have changed slowly too with my children and the landscape over time. Suddenly, possibilities began to pile high in my imagination.   The becoming became exciting.  Maybe this uncomfortable void isn’t so much an end but about me allowing the space for subtle quiet changes working their way into my life today while I continue becoming me.