A Promise

I wrote this excerpt last week on Aidan’s 11th birthday, May 30th, and intended to publish it but posting it felt obligatory and my instincts told me to hold off and wait... so slightly belated and from my heart......

Today is Aidan’s 11th birthday.  It is also the sixth year his birthday has come without him physically being present for it.  I didn’t plan a party with all his friends, I didn’t buy him a new toy, and I didn’t bake a cake.  I also did not go to the cemetery on his birthday because birthdays are to celebrate life and joys and I'm unable to separate that from my sadness when I stand at his grave. It’s just a day now to be thankful for the years I did get to do all those things and remember the joy he gave my life. 

 I will cry today for a little while because, it just hurts some days more than others.  I will imagine the boy he may have been, disheveled bright blonde hair and a smile that was full of hope and love.  He just seemed to radiate hope and love from his very being. I imagine by now, he’d have learned to put his shoes on the correct feet and stopped stubbornly insisting that they were not on backwards and allowed me to teach him which shoe goes on which foot.  I imagine he probably still loves race cars and horses.  I’ll imagine how he has probably learned to skateboard and play some instrument.  Of course he also loves soccer and school.  He loves anything he can do that is like what his big brothers do. I am grateful I can imagine these things because I knew him so well.  And then I will remember the promise I made him, and I will stop crying and I will be okay and I will smile because I am still his mom and there is really only one thing I can do for him and that is to just live, not just exist, but live each and every moment with gratitude, enthusiasm, and joy! 

Today, I choose to reflect on all I have done, how I have lived,  and who I have become rather than what I am lacking and have lost since I made him that promise and said one last good bye.  I have run and finished several races, including a full marathon.   I have picked myself up with my children when left with nearly nothing and established ourselves as a new family in a new town.  I started a new career.  I crossfit, and I swore I never would.  I even started taking guitar lessons. I have learned to stop putting limits on my life like always and nevers, allowing all possibilities. I’ve grown stronger, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I have made at least ten thousand mistakes and failed at many things I have tried.  

I’m realizing now, the promise I thought I was giving as gift of letting go to him, was really his last gift to me because I have evolved into a place in my life that I know, although there is no party today and no cake and no presents, he is present still for his birthday.  I’ll remember the monarch butterfly that landed on my cheekbone, like a kiss the first year he missed his birthday party. And I'll know, he is here, in the love and joy I find in living this life, in the moments I live and grow and love.  He is present, pushing me on when I’m worn and tired and broken and want to give up.  He is present in my drive to be more, to grow, to evolve, to hope, to love, to forgive, to give up trying to find reasons for everything and figure it out.  When I do something I never thought I could possibly do, he is there, reminding me all things are possible. He is there urging me to let go of the things in my life that are not mine to hold onto, and teaching me that includes just about everything beyond my own spirit.

I began running years ago to feel something again, to try and run from a pain that is simply unexplainable.  In the process of running away, I actually ran right into this new life that has had its share of ups and downs, but it’s all still beautiful, and I can see that through my tears. So, I will keep running to where I need to be. Today, even though I really don’t like that there is no party, no cake, and no birthday boy to blow out the candles, I will trust that everything is as it should be and we are all exactly where we are supposed to be in this moment.  I’ll continue to turn my feet over quickly, one foot in front of the other, one stride at a time,  leaning forward into my run with faith, hope, love, and joy, as each moment in life should be. Although there is nothing I wouldn’t trade to have just one more moment, one more day, one more birthday with him, I am thankful he gave me that promise that I would keep living and now I look forward to what comes next in the adventure of this life.