Consistency of Change

Change.  Most everyone has heard the expression, “The only constant is change.”  And for the most part we accept this truth.  But then why do I continue to be so challenged accepting changes as they enter my life?  

I look for answers from other people to tell me which choice to make, knowing they cannot possibly decide what is best for me, only I can do that, but then why am I so afraid sometimes to do that?  

Change was scariest when it was far beyond my control and thrust upon me.  Changes that no one wants to face or deal with, like illness, loss and divorce.  But then again, I got through that.  Everything kept changing and I had no choice but to go with it. I didn’t want those changes then but I am so grateful for them now. I used to resist change from a place of responsibility to others and their feelings at the expense of my own growth, but it didn’t stop change from coming and pushing me right where I needed to be anyway.

I look back on the times in my life where I resisted change because of limits I had boxed myself into, like  telling myself never and always. …..I’ll never leave this or that place, justifying my limit with it’s my home, only to discover that home is truly with me wherever I go.  Or refusing to try a crossfit class insisting I am always going to be a runner and never join that cult, only to have discovered, in trying it, it changed and in many ways saved my life.   And it’s not that never and always’ are not good but maybe they sometimes cause us to hold ourselves prisoner to some unrealistic expectation that we will not change.  

Last week I sat down and was talking to my friend and my boss about how scared I was to take the job she had offered me.  The job I was in was secure, I knew exactly what I could expect and I was comfortable with that, but I never would have had the opportunity to grow in my career and profession the way the opportunity she offered me allowed.  I didn’t sleep for almost three whole weeks from giving notice to starting my new position, terrified that this choice could be something I’d grow to regret.  And now two years later, I have grown not only as a therapist, but I grew past many of my anxieties, doubts, and fears.  The change I was so afraid to make because it was uncomfortable allowed me to become a better version of me, had I stayed safe and comfortable where I was, I would not have grown. That growth bringing me to a place that I can now merge my passions for therapy and my passion for fitness to help others and all of it came together because two years ago, I took a risk and made a change. 

 I could probably trace it back even further to the point, one week before the start of classes, registered to finish my degree in computer science and having a near meltdown on the phone with my mother about how I couldn’t possibly sit at a desk all day looking at a computer screen even if I was good at programming.  I knew what made sense then felt wrong to me but I did not know what to do about it. “Do something else then, just pick something else,” she said it matter of factly as if it was simple and  I was being as dramatic as I was, but in fairness I was still reeling from recent traumas so I’m sure I probably sounded ridiculously dramatic over the phone.  Within the next week I met with the advisor about entering the occupational therapy program, took the entrance exam, withdrew from all my computer science courses, registered for the OT courses and started classes.  So perhaps it was that moment on the phone  all those years ago now, with my mother knowing the change I was making made sense but just wasn’t right for me.  Perhaps it was that moment that has brought me to where I am now, blessed to love my job and know that I am really touching hearts and making a difference in the world and I love what I do.  

Now as I get closer and closer to 40, which at one point seemed so old to me and doesn’t anymore, I wake up in the morning and wonder what change today will bring.  I’ve nearly gotten hooked on possibilities  of new things being good wonderful things.  My heart bouncing from one possibility to the next, embracing changes as they come, trying new places, new things, and even meeting new people.  Meeting new people doesn’t sound like a big deal unless you’ve spent the better part of your life painfully shy in new situations and perfectly content just observing from a quiet corner rather than participating.  

 But I have had to become a little "selfish".  I have had to stop and do what is best for me to be present and ready for the next wonderful change and willing to move on and try new things that feel good to me.  I like to think of it as following my happy without apology or guilt.  I don't abandon my responsibilities, I've just learned that I matter too and to be ready to change my plans for the adventure of something new!

Perhaps I have grown accustomed to change.  Perhaps I crave it in my life now, knowing it allows me to grow.  Because in accepting the consistency of change, all limits are released, and truly anything and everything becomes a  possibility!