Shadows

 It’s been so cloudy and grey these past couple weeks.  The grey winter days without sunshine have been getting to me.  Some of the only sun I have seen the past few days is the slices of pink sun that peak through clouds at sunrise.   Usually, I look forward to running down this one hill because at the crest is a spot where the sunrise is just breathtaking but the past couple weeks only small slices of sun rewarding my efforts of the uphill climb, the sun, mostly hidden in the shadows of the clouds.  

 

Running in the early morning it is usually still quite dark.  Streetlights mostly light the way but occasionally there are some dim lights that create interesting effects on inanimate objects especially off in the distance.    I see things differently in the shadows of the dark early cloudy mornings and sometimes they cause me to worry about what I might be approaching.  The other morning, I saw what I thought could potentially be a large coyote sitting at a corner of a driveway.  I’ve run into coyotes a couple times before and they usually just look at me as I stare them square in the face and walk slowly away, thinking through how I could possibly escape if he or she called my bluff, convincing myself they are more afraid of me than I am of them.  This shadow of a coyote appeared to have its back to me though and not be moving which was strange because usually when I saw a coyote on these early morning runs, they would just look at me and I at them.  I began to worry as I continued approaching if it could be something else that might be more inclined to wait for me and chase me down.  I decided to cross to the opposite side of the road.  And as I crossed, I began to hear what my youngest had said to me at dinner recently in response to my continued battle with anxiety and worry about nearly anything and everything, “There’s a quote mom. ‘Worry doesn’t take away tomorrow’s problems, it just takes away today’s joy.’ ” I thought of this as I continued running towards this intimidating shadow, I could make out ears and a long tail I thought and maybe I should just turn around and go back.  Instead, I slowed down and walked towards it to discover it was just an old misshapen bag of leaves with branches stuck in it.  I laughed at myself and began running again.  It was nothing, I spent all that time worried about a bag of leaves.  I had even convinced myself I saw pointy ears and a long tail it making my fear seem real and it was just a bag of leaves.  I had traded the joy of that stretch of street in front of me for the adrenaline of worry and fear.

 

I began to reflect on how often I do the same thing in life, worry about something that seems scary, prepare for the worst-case scenarios and what ifs and being fearful of how it will work out, only to get to that future point and discover, it’s just a metaphorical bag of leaves.  How often do I see shadows in front of me that remind me of shadows from past experiences with nothing more than a few shadowed similarities?  Do I let those shadows change my direction, or do I face them to find they are nothing more than a trick of the darkness.  I think it is probably too often that I have allowed those shadows to shape my reality today.  Sometimes it’s been useful, but maybe it’s time to recognize how empty and insubstantial most of those shadows really are. As I continued running this morning, I began to think of the “list” of things I tend to worry about most and intentionally began a reality check on each as it stands today, in the now.  All misshapen bags of leaves hiding their reality in the shadows.  As I turned to run the final stretch downhill, I got a small glimpse of pink sun from the sunrise, despite the grey days, it’s still there, just behind the shadows of the clouds. “It’s all ok,” I thought as I chose to absorb every ounce of joy in that moment.