Make It Count

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My running has been inconsistent at best.  I want to run but sleep or stress or work or weather seems to keep getting in my way.  The other morning my inner voice was finally stronger than my excuses so I tied up my laces and set my watch to outdoor run.  I started not sure how far I would go.  I could easily cut it short and was seriously considering doing so.  But I ran past the first shortcut I could have taken without a lot of thought and my brain immediately kept thinking of all my upcoming short cuts.  As the cold air demanded my attention and breath, I lost track of which way I planned on going and just moved along.  As I questioned points of cutting things short or pushing a little farther today, I kept hearing this small voice that slowly became louder, “make it count.” 

 

In the past week, I learned of not only Dawson from Dawson’s Creek dying but also McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy.  These two TV characters (so close to my own age) just gone.  Suddenly life seemed so much more temporary. Mortality became reality and this nagging feeling I’ve felt for a while was pushing me forward.  As I ran up the hill that always makes me want to quit, “make it count” kept whispering to me pushing me one step at a time up the hill.   And with each step I felt stronger.  I didn’t want to waste any of the time I had.  Then again as I had the opportunity to turn back home or run a little further, “MAKE IT COUNT!” started yelling at me again and instead of turning home, I kept moving, more aware of those that no longer had the fortunate options in front of me.  As I turned another corner a little further along, the sun rise was just beginning and the sky was all shades of purple, pink, and blue, streaking across the bare tree branches against the navy blue sky.  The sky felt  so special I kept wishing I had my phone with me to capture this  moment of incredible colors and then I just found a space of gratitude for the unreal moment in front of me that I could only share within my own heart, mind, and soul. Suddenly I felt like the most fortunate person in the world soaking up the visual gift of the sunrise in front of me.

 

It's an understatement to say the world is crazy today.  The Epstein Files, Nancy Guthrie, ICE conflicts, politics in general all hurts my heart and confuses me  - I don’t really feel like I know which side is up and down anymore – I imagine I’m not alone in that.  But I do know the deaths of relatable and significant TV characters from my lifetime - of the real humans so close to my own age, causes me to pause and see time now as so very permanent and so very limited  and exceptionally valuable.  It always felt endless even with the many experiences in my life that taught me otherwise.  Suddenly each moment, each minute holds so much more value as I come to face my own realization of mortality.  I don’t want to wait for this or that to be one way or another – no more excuses – just now to make it all count.  Wasting time is simply not something I can afford any longer.  Do the people I love know I love them? Have I had the courage to say so no matter what?  Have I been brave enough to give my all to each moment?  Am I still putting things off until …?  Am I leaving anything on the table unsaid or undone? Am I making it all count?  

 

I count myself lucky as this concept is not entirely new to me and I have spent the better part of my life living from this space of todayness and presence but now more than ever I see the importance of this.  If you are in my life today, I have chosen you to be there with everything in my heart and soul.  I really believe when it’s all over for each of us, all the judgements of right and wrong, as we see it, will wane in relevance, so maybe that frees us from making sense of anything today except making every moment count with all we have to give and soak up every sunrise, making it count each and every day we are lucky enough to be here.


















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