Just love

-


April 18, 2014
Just Love

I was in my basement the other day, pulling out some of the Easter things for my boys.  My eye caught the boxes with Aidan’s name on them.  By some miracle, during Sandy, nothing of his was destroyed, it all stayed dry and wasn’t touched by even a drop of water.  I know those things aren’t him but it sure helps to have them there to touch now and then. For a moment, I just wanted to cry.  I am just so tired of this grief crap sneaking up on me when I’m just trying to get things done.  But there it was, trying to choke me again, except  this time, I drew my breath inward filling my lungs and then exhaled as I felt tears filling my eyes and I just stopped resisting it. A few tears fell from my eyes as I repeated my breath several times, I focused on Aidan, his love, pure love and all the joy he gave so freely.  Eventually that paralyzing moment left and I moved on with what I had initially intended to do when I went downstairs. 

I got to thinking later about love.  It is always such a risk.  Like life, it comes with wonderful joy and excitement, but, to love, we must also understand, we may lose.  No one promised this would be fair.  At the dinner table with the boys I began a practice about three years ago we call roses and thorns.  I started it mostly to create conversation that allowed all of the boys to give input.  How it works is we go around the table and each person must share the worst part of their day (the thorn) identify, if possible, a way to improve that going forward, and then identify the best part of their day (the rose).  When I first began this tradition, I got a lot of rolling eyes looking back at me accompanied by heavy sighs.  Now, if I forget to initiate roses and thorns, one of the boys will quickly remind me, it’s time for roses and thorns.  I kind of think love is like that too, roses and thorns. 

I would so much rather have my thorn of losing Aidan because it means that his beauty and love graced my life, teaching me how to truly love, love with no condition, love with kindness, love with patience, love without negotiation.  Just love.  That is how I most remember him, just love. I was thinking about that, just love phrase as I was running the other day and got to thinking back to the old Nike slogan, “Just Do It.”  To me, “Just Do It” means don’t make excuses, don’t think about it, don’t wait until tomorrow, “Just Do It!”  What if we could apply the same to love?  Just love!  Don’t think about it, don’t make conditions, and don’t wait for tomorrow, feel,  just love. 

 Those of us who have walked through the hell of losing a loved one, we know tomorrow is not a promise, it’s just another today.  And we know that in a moment, a single breath moment, our whole world can be capsized with or without warning.  But we get up, we stand, we breathe, and we take a step forward.  Why do we do that?  I think it’s because we know how beautiful that rose is, how beautiful life is, how beautiful it is to just love.  
  

I have on a few occasions now, come across an anonymous quote, “When ego is lost, limit is lost, you become infinite, kind, and beautiful.”  It is one of my very favorite quotes.  To me infinite, kind, and beautiful is love.  But releasing ego is so challenging.  I feel it is a relinquishing of control, which for a girl who alphabetizes her closet by color to maintain order and needs everything just so, this seems like an uphill battle that might just be impossible. Infinite to me removes all impossibilities.  I make the effort, to release the ego, to give without condition, to listen without feeling insulted, to accept the roses with the thorns, to be grateful for all of it.  And then what I have begun to notice is I am open and love pours in to heal the wounds the thorns left behind and I breath in and fill my lungs with this infinity, stand up, and move forward, carrying with me faith, hope, and love.

 I want to be this at all times, but I am human and sometimes, I’m just not.  But I have this image of Aidan in my heart and mind just looking at me smiling as he shrugs his shoulders, with his palms facing up and says to me, “Just love.  Love it all.  Just love.” It’s that simple.  We have so much to learn from the simplicity of a child’s heart.  Love it all, the rose, the thorns, the beauty, the darkness, without expectation because if I can just love, my heart will be open to healing and love will have a way in.  And so I will begin again, with patience, gratitude, kindness, hope, and faith to just love!    

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Controlling Chaos

-
  Several weeks ago, driving home from taking my son and his friend skiing for the day, I had a surreal experience that keeps coming to mind.     It was dark and cold and rainy.     Driving in the middle lane of the highway, I saw a car in my passenger side view mirror driving very fast and looked like it was coming towards us. I took my foot off the gas and as the car passed us, just missing the front corner of my jeep, he cut in front of us perpendicularly and proceeded to spin across the highway into the median,     bouncing off the median into the barrier like a ping pong ball while pieces of his car flew all over the place.     All I could think about was I need to get these kids home safe.     I did not want to hit my brakes and get hit from behind or slide on black ice and speeding up     to get past it all, just felt too risky in case the car hit another vehicle that would hit us or if a piece of the bouncing car h...
Read more

Broken Light

-
  This past Sunday was 15 years since my son passed away.  I thought a lot about Aidan all week.     Fifteen is such a big number, so many years. This anniversary felt hard, lonely – the whole world moved on without him but there’s a part of me still stuck there, 15 years ago holding on to him, wishing for one more miracle.     For me it hurts like it happened yesterday but 15 year later, raw and broken. I feel like I should be more okay than I felt most of this week after living through the past 15 years.     It starts to feel like no matter how much time passes the raw unexplainable brokenness will never stop.     It’s dark and lonely, but I have learned over the years to find places to also love the darkness.        I love running in the dark mornings.  Eventually as I get into the run, for just a moment I feel like the whole world belongs to me and absolutely anything is possible.  There is a s...
Read more

Surrender

-
One thing I have been trying to incorporate more often is trail running.     It’s challenging in different ways then running.     It demands my presence in each moment, I don’t have the room for my thoughts to wander too far.     When I run on the road the time passes quickly because I can be careless at times and daydream my way through. The ground below my feet is fairly reliable with each stride with the exception of the occasional uneven storm drain but I quickly recover from those.     The trails do not allow for that same daydreaming, the ground changes and shifts beneath my feet  constantly and it forces me to stay present and focused.     I have come to love this practice.       The other day, I decided to get in a trail run before work.  It was cold and gray with temperatures around 15 degrees Fahrenheit.  I had hoped the mud was frozen and the soft coating of snow that had recently fallen...
Read more