Walls

April 11, 2014

Walls

During a workout about a week ago, my coach said to me, “Come on B, it’s time to add some weight and break down those walls.  We are going to do some serious mental work today and break these mental walls. You are so much stronger than you think you are.” I knew I needed to push myself a little farther so I complied and began to climb my walls, increasing the weights, with a spot literally watching my back. But what the coach said that morning has stuck with me all week.  And I got to thinking about  walls.  The rock walls I climbed for fun as a child even though my mother constantly scolded me because wasps and bees had built their nests deep within the cracks I used for footing, causing an earthquake in their universe. The walls I used in my early adult life to block out the world from seeing the ugliness of living with an alcoholic, walls that really only imprisoned me. The walls that seemed too high to climb or get over in my life.

 So when my coach asked me to break down the walls, I knew, with his guidance and literally watching my back, I could.  I added the weights to my barbell.  

“Do you know how to bail out?” he asked.  

“Yes,” I replied but was thinking,” I don’t bail out, not my style.” But then I was suddenly wondering if he was doubting my strength.  I got 5 front squats before the coach told me that was enough for today.

“It’s like you get scared to get into that full squat, but you are strong enough to get up. You have the power, you just need to use it”  He was right.  I do get scared to get all the way down there with so much weight on my chest.  I’m afraid I’ll get stuck.  

But he was also right in saying I am strong enough to get up.  I’ve grown very good at getting up when the world has piled on the weight.  But just like my coach spotting me, I’ve also always had people watching my back for me, when I let them in.  I was only able to trust my body to do those squats with my coach watching my back, prepared to catch me if I fell.  Life ‘s walls and weights are like that too.  If we allow people who love us to just love us and be there to catch us when we fall, we will find out just how strong we really are.      That is where our power lies, in trusting we have been given everything we need.  It seems simple enough.  But how often do we really trust that we have been designed for exactly our lives in exactly that time? Even when it really sucks and is totally unfair, can we still trust that everything is exactly perfect and exactly as it should be, no matter how much weight we are bearing on our shoulders?

And again, I call that trust faith.  Faith in not only the universe or God, or whoever it is you believe has brought you here, but faith in yourself, that you are strong enough.  The weights have been given to us to make us stronger.  And of course, you could always bail out and forfeit the challenge but why do so many people choose what is easier without even trying what  makes us grow stronger?

 I have developed a mindset over the years that when life gets hard, you work harder.   My children are repeatedly reminded of this as I feel it is the greatest gift I can give them.  They too, along my side, have suffered repeated traumas but I do not allow them to use these tragedies to escape difficult things.  Enabling them to bail out all the time, will only create children incapable of climbing the walls they will need to climb long after I am gone.  Taking away the opportunity to grow stronger, is actually making them weaker.  So in October when my son came to me and wanted to drop his honors English class, saying it was impossible to get better than a D, I had a phone conference with his teacher.

“Is he capable?” I asked.  “Is it ability or lack of effort?”

“I can’t be sure at this time, but at this point it looks as though he is going to fail.  If he drops the class he won’t get an F.”

“If you tell me he is unable, I will give permission for him to drop the class, but I will not give permission to protect him from the F he earned.”  There was a moment of silence on the other line. I continued, “His success will be his success, and his failures will be his failures. ”

My son was very upset that I wouldn’t let him bail out.  “It’s too hard, mom,” he pleaded and begged and negotiated.

“Work harder.” Was all I replied. 

He did fail first quarter but each quarter he made slow progress forward, working a little harder.   

Yesterday, in the middle of the day he sent me a picture of his essay saying, “we need to go frame shopping.”  The picture of his essay had a big A- on the top. 

I fully understand that the Fs, Ds, and Cs he earned have lowered his GPA and will make some of his top college choices a little more challenging to achieve but I’m not just preparing him for college, I am preparing him for life so when that day comes in a little over two years and I have to launch him into his own life, I will do so knowing he is ready to face the challenges, the disappointments, and the failures in life that have been designed for him  because now I know he can stand up when he falls down.   He can blaze his future trails in whatever manner he chooses and for whatever road he takes, I know he has the strength, the power to go far and bear his weight.

But why does it seem we will often choose to bail out and not discover our strength and power?  Why are we so afraid of failure? Or is it we are afraid of discovering our true power?  Why can we not trust that the world is conspiring for our greatness and not our damnation?  Have we come to a place which the sensationalism of reality television has jaded our trust in the goodness of the world?  Can we look at our failures and our disappointments in life and see the blessings and the strength?   Can we be grateful for and love  the challenges that have fortified our power and strength instead of hating, anger, and self pity?  Can we challenge ourselves to add more weight and push through, trusting, someone/something is literally watching our backs instead of bailing out?

Success comes with time, patience, and love, like all good things do. Climbing walls and breaking them down feels incredible and eventually one day there is a realization one  doesn’t have to work so hard to climb because you are just soaring over the walls as you come into your power until all the walls are down and then there is freedom and joy waiting on the other side!