Sidelines

Sidelines

 April 26, 2014

The other day, my coach gave me a high five.  It seems so simple and silly.  I give out high fives all day long to my students, often incorporating in some crossing midline just to insure I’ve utilized each moment of our treatment session. Every high five also comes with a bright smile full of pride and then I know why I do what I do.  But when my coach gave me a high five a few days ago and said he was proud of me, my day shifted.  I could feel myself hold my shoulders proud and just like that I was ready to conquer the world.

 As a single mom, I rarely, if ever, get any recognition for anything I do.  Of course my children will throw me an occasional “thanks mom.” But it’s the little things that make all the difference and on that particular day, I needed a high five.

I was running the next morning on my own just thinking and I got to thinking about how that high five changed my day, eventually as I pushed through some extra miles and I was contemplating registering for another marathon, I noticed I was hearing lots of doubts in my head, my own internal stone throwers.  I began to think of the stone throwers in my life. By stone throwers, I mean the people who may or may not love us, who throw doubts, even with the best of intentions,  at us and make us question our limits, knock us off our paths. 

The funny thing about stone throwers is they have a way of changing our stories, don’t they?  They alter what we believe about ourselves, what is really possible and impossible.  I sometimes feel I have to just add a mile or two to figure out just who’s voice I’m listening to when I am making my choices for myself. It’s one of the things I love the most about running.  I love how the farther I go, the stronger I grow,  the more I learn about myself, the more I can hear my voice, my desires, my dreams, and suddenly there is no impossible, there are no limits. 

But we all also have cheerleaders in our lives too, the people giving the high fives, the strangers on the sidelines of the race with signs that say things like, “You Go Perfect Stranger!” while others on the sidelines clap and cheer.  The spectators at a race are so important to me, they are the cheerleaders, the high fivers who push me through and sometimes they are perfect strangers.

I got to thinking about that.... if sometimes the cheerleaders who get us through are perfect strangers and the stone throwers are people who love us, what does that mean?  I do believe in balancing things but then wouldn’t I have to give the stone throwers more power since they know me?  And to be honest, my coach kind of knows me, but more on a training level than anything else.  And then I remember my very favorite thing about running has been discovering and finding my voice, a voice silenced and unsure for so long by all the stone throwers and cheerleaders around me.  It wasn't until these past few months I finally had an epiphany of who I really am, what I like and don’t like without needing any input from anyone.  I know it sounds crazy to be in your mid 30’s and have been needing input to make simple choices about simple things like throw pillows or new towels for my bathroom.  I realized I had always wondered what so-and-so would think of this.  Will so-and-so like this or that?  Until one day after a long, cold, winter run, I decided, I don’t give a damn what so-and-so thinks, it’s my bathroom, my sofa.

This not giving a damn has sent me down a road of freedom.  And one day, I slipped. I needed to replace my sofa and my son wanted to come, he talked me out of the sofa I wanted so I ordered the one he thought was better for us.  When the delivery men came, even though it was the same size as the sofa they just removed, it literally would not fit through my door.  Two days later, the sofa I really wanted, again, the same size, was delivered and easily fit through the door.  I hadn’t given it much thought until a recent run and I began to realize, perhaps when we make a practice of hearing our own voice and silencing the cheerleaders and stone throwers, we truly get in touch with what is right for us to the point that even if we try to let something else in, it won’t fit through our door. 

It is safe to just trust my feelings, my heart and let them guide me through what feels right for me because I am being protected from what isn’t right for me.  Just knowing this, makes everything so much easier.  Every loss, every trauma, every joy, every gain,  they were all designed for me, to make me who I am and I believe they have shaped me, not changed me.  But to be shaped, one must be willing to be changed and allow for growth, it’s so easy to let our stone throwers and cheerleaders tell us what we need to do especially when we are tired and can’t quite see the next step. But do I honor my feelings and my voice as they tell me, I should do this or that?    Just as I must carefully follow my coach’s instructions and workouts and trust that they are working with me in my best interest, shaping my body to be stronger, so I must allow and trust life to do the same for my heart and spirit.

 Imagine a place where you can always know you are exactly where you are supposed to be exactly when you are supposed to be there, exactly how you are supposed to be, provided with everything you need.  I think of this place as the” I Don’t Give A Damn Land.”  Of course this isn’t to say that I’ve lost empathy and compassion for those around me.  I care, I care immensely, with love and compassion, it’s just who I am.  But I am happy with who I am, I like me and I don’t care what so-and-so thinks about my life or my journey because I know what is right for me.  I trust what is right for me.

I’ve learned to listen to all the people on the sidelines,  the cheerleaders and stone throwers.   Then usually on a long 10 mile run like today, I sort out what I need to hold on to and what I need to let go.  Sometimes, the stone throwers are right, they are throwing stones to get my attention if I have begun to derail from my journey and sometimes the cheerleaders are wrong, it’s not all downhill.  But either way, by the end of my run,  I’ve dug through all my layers and obligations in my life, mom, sister, daughter, friend, therapist, athlete, I discover I’ve always had the answers right in my heart and I know exactly who I am.  I know the people on the sidelines have been given to me to keep me on the journey best for me and allow me to just be free and limitless and trust and there really is little more wonderful than that.   I am thankful for how all those on the sidelines whom enrich my life and support my journey!