Every Mile Earned, Never Given

A few years ago when I began running longer distance races, I began to collect finisher medals.  At first, I tucked them away in my sock drawer.  Every morning when I went to get dressed, I’d see it sticking out from beneath my sock pile and think how proud I was of myself for finishing those races.  Eventually I began hanging them on a hook in my room behind my door.  Today, they hang in my kitchen from the curtain rod above my sink.  When I first began hanging them there, they hung on the ends, clustered together, unidentifiable, after the marathon, I wanted my marathon medal to stand out and then I hung them along the center of the rod.  My son recently asked me why I moved them there for everyone to see.  Honestly, the placement in the kitchen was more for me as it’s my first stop in the morning to fill my water bottle with my eyes still half closed and it’s my last stop at night as I push the program brew button on my coffee maker.

I thought it out this way, because the mornings that I just don’t want to try any more and I wake up tired and discouraged, I have a visual reminder of my hard work paying off.  And on the nights I pour my tea feeling defeated and beat up, I see what I have and can accomplish.  It gives me a little bit to keep going.  They hang in the center of the most frequently visited room in my home for no one but me.  Of course I hope my boys see them and strive for more in their lives too because I may not be able to change what has been but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the strength to change the possibilities of what can be.  My son gave me a sticker after one of my races that reads, “Every mile earned, never given.”  And that about sums it all up.  I have worked hard to be where I am.  I had support but ultimately, I made a choice to change, to grow, to train, to run, to race, to be better everyday in some way.  I know which race medal that sticker came with and every time I see that medal, I think of that sticker and I work a little bit harder and remember just how lucky and blessed I really am.

I sat today, with a little extra time on my hands looking at my medals hanging in my kitchen.  It was one of those rare moment all my children were otherwise occupied and my house was quiet.  I thought how bringing the medals out from my drawer and behind my door is so very symbolic of how I have grown as well.  After years of hiding the chaos and dysfunction of living with an alcoholic, I’m not really sure I thought I was worth anything at all.    I had no idea who I even was.  Eventually my house of cards fell in and thanks to the internet and social media, there was no more hiding from it.  It was then that I wanted to just hide myself, I needed so much support and love to stay connected and I am truly blessed to have had that.  It was like while I hid behind my door, my family and friends remained a lifeline so I couldn’t disappear the way I thought I needed to.  

And now, I can see how I have transformed and stood back up. I am comfortable with who I am, who I have become. My medals remind me of my journey, where I have come from and where I am going.  I am reminded that personal bests can only happen when you show up to the starting line and try. And most importantly I remember that  every mile has been earned, never given. And I am thankful for having to earn those miles.