Fine Wine

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Over the weekend I turned 36.  My children quickly reminded me I’m getting close to 40.  I think the thing is with getting into the late 30s and approaching 40 is I have clear memories of being a teenager and thinking it was old. There is something about getting older that feels urgent. I also had very definite visions and ideas of what I imagined my life would look like at this point.  Even five years ago, heck three years ago, I thought my life would be so different from what it is.  Thank God, I was wrong because it is so much better than what I imagined for myself.  

On my birthday, I celebrated with a race in town.  It was perfect, three of my favorite things, running, pizza, and beer, thrown into one event on my birthday!  I have run this race just about every year since my divorce and it’s a nice mostly flat course with a few short hills.  The day was perfect and unlike many of my other races, I knew many of the people I was running with that morning which made it even more special.  It was a course record day for me. 

 At one point we were running up one of the last roads towards the end of the race and I suddenly remembered what I had been thinking and worrying about the previous years I ran when I got to that point on the course.  I remembered feeling hopeless, defeated, scared, broken.  I wasn’t really sure if I was going to be able to take care of my children.  I felt alone and I was fighting.  Fighting some days just to breathe and some days just not to fall to pieces, and fighting to keep food on the table and help with homework and fighting to be the best therapist at my job and fighting to believe I wasn’t worthless.  I ran up that same road Sunday and ran through that broken and sad girl.  But she was me and as I ran through I thanked her for holding on and never giving up and even when she had nothing left because today, she’s not broken, she is strong and powerful, and growing stronger and faster with each breath.  But most importantly, she has discovered that her value, her worth, is so much more than anyone or anything can ever take away again.  

I often wonder what it is about some races that I just HAVE to be part of every year instead of trying new ones.  This is one of those races and on Sunday, I understood the value of this tradition.  To measure my journey. To really see and feel how much I have grown, how far I have come, a discovery I could only make by following my steps and showing up again and again, year after year. 

Of course there is comfort in knowing the course and learning the road but sometimes don’t we need to take the time to learn our course in life in order to grow?  Learn where to breathe, prepare for the hills, up and down, know when to kick up the speed.  It is practice. Routine. Tradition.  And then one day it’s clear, we have grown, we have learned, we are stronger now than we were last year.  And what about those broken years? The years that leave us weak and worn?  Well, I still say, it is tradition. Tradition brings us back to our roots, and our roots will allow us to pick back up and grow again. A tradition that reminds us who we are at the heart of it all so we can know that if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, we will finish the race and grow a little bit stronger.

At the finish line of the race I was surrounded by friends wishing me a happy birthday.  My life may not be what I imagined, but I’m so glad it’s not because it’s so much better.  I’m happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life.  I know myself.  I know what I value.  I choose how I spend my time carefully and I am confident in who I am, what I desire, and where I am going. Most importantly,  I am loved and I know it. I’m stronger physically, emotionally, and mentally than I have ever been and instead of slowing down as I get older, I’m achieving personal bests and course records. And from a card I once received,  I’m more like a fine wine, I get better and better with age and that works for me! So, I’m ready to embrace 36 and I cannot wait to see what’s coming my way.   I’m just going to trust that it will be better than anything I could imagine for myself.       

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