Thankful

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Happy Thanksgiving.  

This morning I ran another one of my favorite road races, a five mile Turkey Trot.  It’s a nice little race I run every year because I always have so much fun.   As I ran today I thought of all the things I am so grateful for.  I am truly fortunate to have a very long list.

Today is also an anniversary of the end of a very dark part of my life.  Four years ago today, I knew I couldn’t hide how dysfunctional our lives had become.  I had no choice but to scoop up my children and walk away from the wreckage and begin rebuilding one brick at a time.  And with the support of the many people whom bless my life, that is exactly what I have done.   

The Holiday Season that is supposed to be filled with magic and joy and wonder has been a season of survival for me for many many years.  Thanksgiving marking the last day of breathing without hurting, feeling without choking back my tears.  I kick into a survival mode of holding my breath until it’s finally all over.  Survive, don’t feel.  And it got me through all my past holidays, each one I was becoming numb to how happy I was supposed to be.  

But as I ran this course I had run so many times in my past, again, I began to reflect on the previous years.  I began running the year I lost Aidan, I was running to survive.  Every race, proving to myself I am a survivor, illness, death, loss, divorce….. I survive.  But today, as I ran and took a moment to be proud of surviving, I decided, I do not want to be a survivor anymore.  I don’t want to be functioning in survival mode any longer, I want to exist. I want to live in these moments.  I just want to be.... who I am, neither happy nor joyous nor bitter nor sad, I just want to be and let that be whatever it is. 

Through the years and many miles, I have grown and become stronger.  I learned to strengthen my roots, for my roots sustain me when all else falls away.   This year I am making a holiday resolution.  I want to live the holidays, I want to feel them again, even if that feel isn’t quite so comfortable. I might not be able to choke back the tears this year, but the surest way to get to the finish line is to run the race.    I want to be present in the moments I am blessed with and I don’t want to just survive the holidays any longer.    I want to remember my past is behind me and no longer in control of my life today.  Because each new day, no matter what day or month or year, is a new day, with new hopes and dreams waiting to be realized.

With a grateful heart, Happy Thanksgiving.

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