Unplugged

The past few years, October has proved to be a challenging time for me in every area of my life.  By the end of October I usually feel as though I have completely come undone.  And I always find this so unfortunate as I love the spectacular New England colors this month the most.  A few days ago, I had an unexpected lull in my late afternoon with the boys and saw my opportunity.  This is also one of my favorite times of year to run.  I love the scenery and the temperature is just about perfect, not too hot, not too cold. So I quickly rushed, knowing the lull was temporary, and put on my shorts and tied up my sneakers.

It was a blustery day, and the wind blew first pushing me forward than blowing against me.  Leaves were falling and flying through the air, bits of color dotting the gray sky.  I was still unsure tonight, long run or short run?  I decided to just see where this run took me.  As I put one foot in front of the other I could feel all that October angst shaking out.  The leaves continued to twist and glide through the air past me, sometimes scratching the sides of my legs and face and the gusts of wind picking up down towards the beach began to feel cold against my skin.

  As a runner who never listens to music when running, I am forced to distract myself with more independent and creative thoughts.  I began to think of the falling and flying leaves as the stories of my past.  All the stories, good and bad, the stories of joy and pain, blessings and loss.  And I kept running through them, allowing them to fall behind me and not turning back to see what became of them.  In a way it was like letting them go with strength, without ever holding on to them, running faster and with longer strides as all those stories became my history. 

 I want to do this in my life.  Let the wind blow my past behind me and keep moving forward without needing to see where those stories of my past fall.  I want to learn how not to need a reason to settle things in my heart.  I want to accept that the chances are the reason is far beyond my understanding anyway and is as useless as the seasoned leaves blowing past me.  Such a passive acceptance requires more strength than I am able to understand but I want to keep moving toward this anyway, growing stronger with each stride and breath.

 And more importantly, I want to listen to the world around me, I want to take in the moments, the brief moments I have been given, and I want to fully appreciate the value of these blessings.  That is why when I run, I unplug, I run naked, run free, no iPod, no iPhone, just me. I disconnect to reconnect to discover who I am. My strengths, my vulnerabilities, my blessings, my moments, my mistakes,  all the things that no matter what trial I face tomorrow  or bad decision I make, are so embedded within the fabric of my imperfect self, nothing can ever remove. These are the trunk and roots of my tree.  All the other stuff are the leaves that will have their season, will grow, will be new, and then will fall away until new leaves blossom and are reborn. And it will begin again.

*****************************************************

Today, I am going to New York City for the marathon in a role I have never held during a race. I am going to be a spectator. I’ve wanted to do this for years but something always gets in the way and stops me.   My baby sister is running.  And I am just so proud of her.  I am excited to be there.  I must admit going to a race without my usual preparations is slightly foreign to me.  But today I accept it is my turn to cheer, an opportunity I am grateful Patty has given me.  I wish her all the blessings running has given me. I wish for her the pure thrill of being in a moment of such incredible excitement and energy that will carry her many more miles in life than she will run today.