Sneakers and Wine

It’s just about Thanksgiving again.  I can hardly believe as I watch the days pass on my calendar that we are once again nearing the end of the year and this year for us was so full of so many big and wonderful changes .  Generally I start to brace myself as I prepare for a minefield of memories but for some reason, this year, I’m just enjoying and looking forward to, and excited for the holiday season. For the first time in nine years I can't wait to go cut down my  Christmas  Tree and put up lights  and  play  Christmas  Music, I'm looking forward to the hope and magic that fills the spirit of the Christmas season.  Is this what healing is? Is that what grace is?  I’m not sure, but although those memories linger, there’s other memories I’ve been choosing lately instead.   Memories of the way a community, my home, my family, came together giving us a magical Christmas when our world had fallen apart and we had nothing.  C...

Almost seven years ago, I packed up my kids, some suitcases, and loaded up a couple friend’s pick up trucks and left my the home I planned to grow old in and raise my children in. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, just kept going forward for the first time in a very long time without looking back at what was. I kept moving forward, only occasionally looking over my shoulder. Sometimes moving forward felt like climbing a steep hill with a boulder on my back, sometimes it was so hard all I could do was fight to breath and cry until my eyes were red and swollen. But I kept moving forward. I had pretty much nothing except my determination to give my kids the best home and education possible. What I look back on today is how this journey brought me to today, in a successful position in my career, a homeowner, and mom to some really great young men. At the beginning I was so broken and shattered I didn’t know which way to go.I had nothing. I went out a lot, determined to not d...

On June 16th,  I will have reached the ten year anniversary of the day I almost died.  I had a stroke with the only remaining side effects,  today, being  when I get really tired or stressed a little bit of a crooked lip and an eye twitch and the occasional difficulty verbalizing the words I want to say.  I usually say it feels like my words get stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth. That day marked the first point of having my world turned upside down.   I didn’t know surviving and rehabbing through that was the easy part or what was still to come in the next few years.  I was determined to get well and survive.  And I did.   I have spent the past ten years surviving, having my world turned upside down repeatedly, losing almost everything,  grieving, regrouping, moving forward and repeat.  But what I haven’t been doing consistently until very recently is living.   Sometimes surviving feels powerful, but a lot ...

Six years ago today, I closed a long and significant chapter in my life and started out on a fresh new journey.  I officially and legally became me again, changing my name back to my maiden name at my divorce hearing.  I had given it a lot of thought and realized it was important to walk in the direction of identifying myself apart from my past, on a journey to getting to know who I am.  I knew my love for my sons was deeper than any surname and that they know how much I love and adore each of them regardless of our names.  And despite how unpleasant the past had been I was terrified and so sad to be letting it go.  I cried alone in the bathroom of the courtroom for a while before I was able to stand in front of the judge and let it all go. It has been a long journey with lots of ups and downs along the way.  I fought until I had no fight left in me and then eventually chose peace.  Occasionally, I can still fall into the trap of bitterness, resen...

I woke up today for the first time in months, feeling like me again.   It seems for years now, from about November  - mid March I slowly fall to pieces inside.  I try every year to keep myself in one piece, at least on the outside.  I understand why it happens.  But understanding doesn’t make it feel any better. Grief is a long dark journey that is often very lonely, and gray winter days don’t help much.  I have learned to brace for the impact winter will undoubtedly try to crush me with.  But often that is not my best self.  I’m stronger than this, I’m braver than this, so I smile, I fight on, I fight anything and everything that will take my punches, especially myself.  My self talk becomes negative and I doubt everything and everyone in my life, including myself. I become someone I am not proud of, I stop taking care of myself, and I slowly fall apart, I survive winter in what ever way I have to, at times, floundering, grasping at str...