Sneakers and Wine

Six years ago today, I closed a long and significant chapter in my life and started out on a fresh new journey.  I officially and legally became me again, changing my name back to my maiden name at my divorce hearing.  I had given it a lot of thought and realized it was important to walk in the direction of identifying myself apart from my past, on a journey to getting to know who I am.  I knew my love for my sons was deeper than any surname and that they know how much I love and adore each of them regardless of our names.  And despite how unpleasant the past had been I was terrified and so sad to be letting it go.  I cried alone in the bathroom of the courtroom for a while before I was able to stand in front of the judge and let it all go. It has been a long journey with lots of ups and downs along the way.  I fought until I had no fight left in me and then eventually chose peace.  Occasionally, I can still fall into the trap of bitterness, resen...

I woke up today for the first time in months, feeling like me again.   It seems for years now, from about November  - mid March I slowly fall to pieces inside.  I try every year to keep myself in one piece, at least on the outside.  I understand why it happens.  But understanding doesn’t make it feel any better. Grief is a long dark journey that is often very lonely, and gray winter days don’t help much.  I have learned to brace for the impact winter will undoubtedly try to crush me with.  But often that is not my best self.  I’m stronger than this, I’m braver than this, so I smile, I fight on, I fight anything and everything that will take my punches, especially myself.  My self talk becomes negative and I doubt everything and everyone in my life, including myself. I become someone I am not proud of, I stop taking care of myself, and I slowly fall apart, I survive winter in what ever way I have to, at times, floundering, grasping at str...

Change. It is possibly one of the hardest things to learn to accept And yet, life continues to push us on right through change whether we learn to accept it gracefully or go kicking and screaming into it.  I’ve paid a little more attention to our New England Autumn this year.  I spent as much time as I could find outside, surrounding myself with Mother Nature’s masterpiece of change.  I noticed a few things I may not have paid as close attention to before.   Some trees were quick to change color, maybe prematurely, but they seemed eager to escape the green leaves of summer with enthusiasm for what comes next and trusting the process of change,  and I almost didn’t notice them  change.  The leaves on other trees, would be changing, while parts of the leaf remained green, almost unsure but allowing the beauty of autumn to change them none the less.  Other trees seemed to hold on defiantly to their green leaves,  maybe fearful of the unknow...

One of my earliest memories as a child is going with my father to the track early in the morning and what I have over the years remembered as the Good Morning Birds.  I was very young, not more than four years old.  I didn’t want to go because I thought I’d be bored.  My father told me if I was good, I’d get to see these special birds wake up and fly out of the pond that sat just beyond the fencing of the track. It must have seemed exciting to me at the time because I went along with my father and I clearly recall being happy about it.  The sun had not yet completed it’s ascension to usher in the new day  and the sky was painted in colors of yellow and pinks and purples and navy.  I chased my father around the track and then stopped at the final turn where the pond was.  I pressed my face hard against the chain link fence, looking through to the pond and only saw a green layer of slime and some lily pads.  It was still and silent.  Nothi...

Today was the last mile of my daily winter warrior challenge of running at least one outdoor mile every day. Sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I ran with at least one friend, conversation making some of those colder and darker runs seem to fly by.  And sometimes, I ran alone, enjoying the quiet but usually on the days I run alone, I think.  I think about everything from my to do lists to grocery lists to the workouts coming up to organizing the kids and work.  My brain stays busy focusing on all the other areas of my life while I mindlessly breathe and place one foot in front of the other.    Today, being the last official day of my personal challenge, I wanted to run alone.  I wanted to do something today with this 90th mile that I rarely do.  I wanted to intentionally stop thinking and be. I wanted to savor every step of this last mile. I wanted to not reflect on anything or make any lists.  This was harder than I thoug...

 My initial intention was to publish this post last Saturday during the snowstorm, but I found I needed to allow my thoughts of this particular run to settle and allow the words to come instead of forcing and searching for expressing all I wanted to express in this post.... A few weeks ago, I saw a post for a Winter Warrior Challenge.  The challenge entailed running or walking at least one outdoor mile for the month of January.  Today will be Day 43 for me of this challenge.  I made a commitment to extend that challenge through the duration of winter.  I began the challenge running the first few days in shorts in New England!  And then there have been days  I’ve worn so many layers I felt like a snowman trying to run with hand-warmers stuffed in my gloves and a hood tied over my hat.  Often, I am blessed with a friend willing to meet me at 5 am to run this mile in the dark and cold before our crossfit class.  No matter how muc...

Today, on this last day of 2015, I had a goal I set earlier this year that was still unaccomplished.  I knew when I woke up,  today could not end without meeting this goal I committed to.  I had worked hard but kept falling just short of meeting it.  I started this year unable to complete a legit pull up.  After months of linking 2-3, sometimes 5 on a good day, together, I had set a goal to link 10 together.  Over the past few weeks I’ve come close, hitting 8.  But today, I went in fiercely focused on achieving this goal.  After a long time of staring at the bar and warming up, one of the coaches came up to me, seeing my hesitation,  and said, “Remember being a kid and this was just fun? Just have fun!” And then I did it! Twice! But the best part was the people.  All these people that have fallen into my life this past year, friends who just happened to be there sharing in my excitement because meeting goals just feels good!...