Sneakers and Wine

It’s almost Aidan’s birthday again.  Oddly enough, in some ways I spend just as much, if not more time, preparing for his birthday than I do any other of our family’s birthdays.  Perhaps it’s because for Aidan’s birthday it’s not simply a matter of what will we do but how to do. And ten years later I’m still never really sure of what the “right” way is to go about this.   He’d be turning 15 this year.  He was a year behind in school so I imagine he’d probably be pretty excited about graduating 8th grade and starting high school with his friends.  He’d probably just settle for one birthday/graduation party.  I could continue on with all the different probablies, like what activities he was involved with, what sports he played, and so on as I’ve imagined over the years, but the thing is, that never really leads me anywhere but sadness and one thing I am sure of is he absolutely would not want that sadness.  So this past year, I stopped imagining the...

A couple weeks ago the temperature dropped so low, even as an avid outdoor runner, I felt it wasn’t safe to run outside, so when I got the invitation to run one morning indoors, after way too many days of not running and skipping workouts, telling myself I’d run after work when it was warmer, I knew I’d have to at least give it a try.   We run on these running machines similar to treadmills, but they are self propelled.   The first time I tried one, I thought I’d fall off of it, it was uncomfortable, but I’ve learned a little better how to use it now, well enough to run for a little bit. And this running partner, probably one of my favorites, because we run and that’s it, no  big conversations about this or that just simply facing the same direction forward and moving in place, the noise between us just the rhythm of breathing, the sound of the running machines, and whatever song happens to be playing on the music system in the gym.   The first run, I slept in...

I set out on a run this morning, pre sunrise.  I was doing this shorter loop on my own for the first time and truth be told, I wasn’t exactly sure which way I was going.  I knew where the run started and ended and hoped if I could figure out the stuff in between and find my way, I’d be running over the bridge across the creek just as the sun was rising.  I loved this particular part of this loop on this run,  I always say I feel like I’m on this beautiful  summer beach vacation in this picture perfect New England town and forget how cold it is for just a few moments as I’m running down the hill towards the beach. I parked my car at the beach, the sky was purple and pink, and right then I was grateful I didn’t wait for the sun to rise fully in the sky  because this sky was its own unique spectacular.   I started running and came to a hill I’ve grown to love and know well.  It has a deceiving incline as it winds its way along the hil...

Last night while I was out with friends, there was a woman who was sitting at the bar she didn’t seem alone at first glance but she was. She was dressed well and appeared put together. Not long after our group’s arrival she briefly interacted with a couple people  from our group and went back to her seat. Not too long after that interaction, I watched as she made her way to the door. I saw her feet stumble and her knees flex and knew she was going to fall. But there was nothing I could do from where I was standing to stop it. And she did, she fell backwards between the tables and smashed her head against the wall. I watched, frozen, seeing her fall and realizing she really was alone. The staff went to help her and made sure she didn’t drive home. I couldn’t stop watching. I saw her pain. I KNEW her pain. I didn’t know her story but I recognized the pain I knew so well. I had defined my life and carried the weight of that darkness, pain, and loneliness for a decade. But I was fro...

A few weeks ago my younger sister sent me a card for my 40th birthday.  In it she wrote how much she admired my ability to laugh and smile through every obstacle I faced in life and move past it.  She said she never forgot the advice I gave her many many years ago when we were just children and how relevant it is for life.  It was something I had long forgotten I had told her, yet still today so relevant and the inspiration for my latest post.   As an OT I now understand what a sensory disaster I was as a child.  As a toddler, I climbed our living room stone fireplace to the top of our cathedral ceiling, nearly giving my mother a heart attack.  As a child I was usually doing cart wheels or hanging upside down from the monkey bars on my swing set. or tying blankets between the caddy cornered bed posts in my room to make myself an indoor swing.   I couldn’t stop moving or being upside down. So it was no surprise I got a thrill from a good roller coa...

A few days ago I joined a friend for a run at 5am.  It was darker than I imagined it would be and we were heading out to do 6 miles, my only goal, to keep up with him for as long as possible because he’s faster than I am and I knew running with him would make me stronger and faster.  The first few times I ran with him, I struggled just to keep him in my line of sight just to be able to find my way back to our starting point because I wasn’t as familiar with the loops he runs and I hadn’t done much running more than a mile in a very long time.  I kept up, matching stride for stride, allowing my mind to wander to the sky changing colors before my eyes, taking in the smells of summer.  I started to think of Aidan.   The truth is, I’d been thinking a lot about him the past few weeks, more than usual, having dreams of him being alive still, as a healthy 14 year old boy and I could feel the grief gripping onto me again.  I could feel myself doing what I alwa...

I ran yesterday for the first time in a while, running more than a mile.  As the group I was running with prepared by setting their playlists, I explained, I never run with music, I love just hearing my breathe and my thoughts, “ I solve a lot of problems when I run without music,” I replied to the “You NEVER run with music?”  I had just finished a workout in which I had really given everything I had and when asked if I wanted to run, my instinct was to say no, as all those familiar doubts and excuses ran through my head quickly; you’re too tired to run 3 miles, you’re not fast enough, bottom line, you’re not good enough to run with this group, get out of this now.  But instead I said, “sure, sounds fun” because the truth is it did sound fun and I promised myself this year would be the year of yes.   The year of saying yes.  Saying yes not in the way of being a doormat but saying yes to new adventures, trying new things, and saying yes especially when a...