Sneakers and Wine

I set out on a run this morning, pre sunrise.  I was doing this shorter loop on my own for the first time and truth be told, I wasn’t exactly sure which way I was going.  I knew where the run started and ended and hoped if I could figure out the stuff in between and find my way, I’d be running over the bridge across the creek just as the sun was rising.  I loved this particular part of this loop on this run,  I always say I feel like I’m on this beautiful  summer beach vacation in this picture perfect New England town and forget how cold it is for just a few moments as I’m running down the hill towards the beach. I parked my car at the beach, the sky was purple and pink, and right then I was grateful I didn’t wait for the sun to rise fully in the sky  because this sky was its own unique spectacular.   I started running and came to a hill I’ve grown to love and know well.  It has a deceiving incline as it winds its way along the hil...

Last night while I was out with friends, there was a woman who was sitting at the bar she didn’t seem alone at first glance but she was. She was dressed well and appeared put together. Not long after our group’s arrival she briefly interacted with a couple people  from our group and went back to her seat. Not too long after that interaction, I watched as she made her way to the door. I saw her feet stumble and her knees flex and knew she was going to fall. But there was nothing I could do from where I was standing to stop it. And she did, she fell backwards between the tables and smashed her head against the wall. I watched, frozen, seeing her fall and realizing she really was alone. The staff went to help her and made sure she didn’t drive home. I couldn’t stop watching. I saw her pain. I KNEW her pain. I didn’t know her story but I recognized the pain I knew so well. I had defined my life and carried the weight of that darkness, pain, and loneliness for a decade. But I was fro...

A few weeks ago my younger sister sent me a card for my 40th birthday.  In it she wrote how much she admired my ability to laugh and smile through every obstacle I faced in life and move past it.  She said she never forgot the advice I gave her many many years ago when we were just children and how relevant it is for life.  It was something I had long forgotten I had told her, yet still today so relevant and the inspiration for my latest post.   As an OT I now understand what a sensory disaster I was as a child.  As a toddler, I climbed our living room stone fireplace to the top of our cathedral ceiling, nearly giving my mother a heart attack.  As a child I was usually doing cart wheels or hanging upside down from the monkey bars on my swing set. or tying blankets between the caddy cornered bed posts in my room to make myself an indoor swing.   I couldn’t stop moving or being upside down. So it was no surprise I got a thrill from a good roller coa...

A few days ago I joined a friend for a run at 5am.  It was darker than I imagined it would be and we were heading out to do 6 miles, my only goal, to keep up with him for as long as possible because he’s faster than I am and I knew running with him would make me stronger and faster.  The first few times I ran with him, I struggled just to keep him in my line of sight just to be able to find my way back to our starting point because I wasn’t as familiar with the loops he runs and I hadn’t done much running more than a mile in a very long time.  I kept up, matching stride for stride, allowing my mind to wander to the sky changing colors before my eyes, taking in the smells of summer.  I started to think of Aidan.   The truth is, I’d been thinking a lot about him the past few weeks, more than usual, having dreams of him being alive still, as a healthy 14 year old boy and I could feel the grief gripping onto me again.  I could feel myself doing what I alwa...

I ran yesterday for the first time in a while, running more than a mile.  As the group I was running with prepared by setting their playlists, I explained, I never run with music, I love just hearing my breathe and my thoughts, “ I solve a lot of problems when I run without music,” I replied to the “You NEVER run with music?”  I had just finished a workout in which I had really given everything I had and when asked if I wanted to run, my instinct was to say no, as all those familiar doubts and excuses ran through my head quickly; you’re too tired to run 3 miles, you’re not fast enough, bottom line, you’re not good enough to run with this group, get out of this now.  But instead I said, “sure, sounds fun” because the truth is it did sound fun and I promised myself this year would be the year of yes.   The year of saying yes.  Saying yes not in the way of being a doormat but saying yes to new adventures, trying new things, and saying yes especially when a...

Change.  Most everyone has heard the expression, “The only constant is change.”  And for the most part we accept this truth.  But then why do I continue to be so challenged accepting changes as they enter my life?   I look for answers from other people to tell me which choice to make, knowing they cannot possibly decide what is best for me, only I can do that, but then why am I so afraid sometimes to do that?   Change was scariest when it was far beyond my control and thrust upon me.  Changes that no one wants to face or deal with, like illness, loss and divorce.  But then again, I got through that.  Everything kept changing and I had no choice but to go with it. I didn’t want those changes then but I am so grateful for them now. I used to resist change from a place of responsibility to others and their feelings at the expense of my own growth, but it didn’t stop change from coming and pushing me right where I needed to be anyway. I l...

It’s that time again for me. Another son 18 years old and graduating high school with plans and dreams all his own.  He marches to the beat of his own drum and it’s something that I am proud of to see in him.  He’s going against the grain, not going to college and pursuing a career as a carpenter.  Of course, I worry, it’s scary to watch your child take off on the unbeaten path, but I also know that great people travel those roads less traveled and that’s where they forge their greatness.  From here, it is his life, and I must trust I gave him the tools to trust his heart and follow his dreams. It's time for me to give him room to live his life his way. These moments in life always inspire in me what I hope my boys learned from me and hope they can use what I have learned as a guide, a life map perhaps from the trail I blazed: This can be a cruel and unfair world but kindness abounds in every moment, in every corner, it’s your choice to see it or not.  Se...

In me, I’ve always had a fight, not the knock down drag out kind of fight, just a fierce never ever give up persistence and determination, especially when I’m told I can’t do this or that or something is impossible or statistics say.…  And it’s not enough to just do what they said I couldn’t but I have this drive to exceed all expectation, pushing myself further and further.  A client of mine recently told me, I have grit.  I’m proud of that grit.It saved myself and my family. But I am also realizing that maybe I no longer need to keep proving to myself so fiercely how strong I am and how much grit I have. Maybe it doesn’t need to hurt anymore.  Maybe it’s just time to let it all go and enjoy the ride.     I can feel life shifting again, I can feel the way it’s changing and I am excited for the changes.  I’m ready for the shifts, because, hell, I’ve got grit and I can handle anything!  I can look back and see now, of course, it all worked its...

Yesterday I went for a walk through some trails to sort out my thoughts and reflect on the past year.  The windchill made the temperature feel like 1 degree and it was cold, so I walked quickly. But the stillness and beauty of this place frozen in winter was not lost on me.  The stream, usually moving gently over the rocks and fallen trees, was frozen into a winter stillness.  The thought came to me, that maybe the deep freezes of winter are natures way of telling us to stop and see the power and beauty in stillness in this present moment.   As I walked I reflected on the past year and caught myself reflecting on the mistakes and the failures. As I caught myself yelling at myself again for the many stupid things I had done and mistakes I had made, I stopped and started focusing on the many things I am so grateful for.  I had decided that this year that the best way for me to grow in 2018 is to leave my past, all of it back in 2017.  I’ve carried the ...