Sneakers and Wine

  Several weeks ago, driving home from taking my son and his friend skiing for the day, I had a surreal experience that keeps coming to mind.     It was dark and cold and rainy.     Driving in the middle lane of the highway, I saw a car in my passenger side view mirror driving very fast and looked like it was coming towards us. I took my foot off the gas and as the car passed us, just missing the front corner of my jeep, he cut in front of us perpendicularly and proceeded to spin across the highway into the median,     bouncing off the median into the barrier like a ping pong ball while pieces of his car flew all over the place.     All I could think about was I need to get these kids home safe.     I did not want to hit my brakes and get hit from behind or slide on black ice and speeding up     to get past it all, just felt too risky in case the car hit another vehicle that would hit us or if a piece of the bouncing car h...

  As I was running the other morning, I was feeling the rush of the week, struggling to get everything finished that needed my attention.     I really did not have time for this run, but I needed it.     Sometimes these miles are the only thing that keeps me moving through the days that get hard, but nonetheless, I was feeling guilty for taking up time in a day for myself that I really didn’t have.     I laughed in my head at what I had just thought.   “This is my day, no one else’s.     Why am I feeling guilty for taking up time and space in my own day?”     I cut my run a little shorter than planned and ran home anyway to see my son off to school.   Later that day I went to yoga.  I had recently realized, if I want to keep running,  that my joints and muscles need yoga like my heart and soul need running,  only to soon discover that my heart and soul also need yoga.  I often think how ironic...

  I found time for the trails this week as we got a taste of Spring, warmer temperatures and some much needed sunshine.     Something about an early morning trail run just refreshes my soul especially in this pseudo spring weather. I was feeling sluggish as I started but pushed myself to get it done.     I love how the trails demand my full presence and take me out of the worries, the pressures, the schedules, the stresses of daily life.     It’s just me and the sound of birds chirping softly and leaves rustling, and my breath.     I love how the trails, no matter how many times I run over them are somehow new and different. It feels so magical and it never takes long for me to just feel free from all that weighs me down.       My time was limited today and I had been feeling the pressure of knowing it would be a rush to return to my responsibilities but I needed this break, this freedom, this fresh air and decided the addition...

  It’s been so cloudy and grey these past couple weeks.     The grey winter days without sunshine have been getting to me.     Some of the only sun I have seen the past few days is the slices of pink sun that peak through clouds at sunrise.       Usually, I look forward to running down this one hill because at the crest is a spot where the sunrise is just breathtaking but the past couple weeks only small slices of sun rewarding my efforts of the uphill climb, the sun, mostly hidden in the shadows of the clouds.       Running in the early morning it is usually still quite dark.  Streetlights mostly light the way but occasionally there are some dim lights that create interesting effects on inanimate objects especially off in the distance.    I see things differently in the shadows of the dark early cloudy mornings and sometimes they cause me to worry about what I might be approaching.  The other...

  This past week felt busier to me than recent weeks and left me feeling pretty run down and burnt out.     I tried to keep my routine but I struggled because I was sleeping a lot more.     I couldn’t seem to force myself out of bed in the mornings.     I wasn’t quite sick, just exhausted.     My extra needed sleep required me to sacrifice other aspects of my daily routines.     This always feels like a struggle to me because the structure of the routine keeps me on track.     But this week, fitting everything in was just more than I was able to keep up with in my self induced exhaustion.     On one of my early morning runs, trying to shake off the stress of feeling overwhelmed, I caught myself scolding myself for failing to meet my own high expectations of what I can do in twenty four hours.     On weeks like this that run me into the ground, sometimes the things I want to do, like running and yoga, ha...

One thing I have been trying to incorporate more often is trail running.     It’s challenging in different ways then running.     It demands my presence in each moment, I don’t have the room for my thoughts to wander too far.     When I run on the road the time passes quickly because I can be careless at times and daydream my way through. The ground below my feet is fairly reliable with each stride with the exception of the occasional uneven storm drain but I quickly recover from those.     The trails do not allow for that same daydreaming, the ground changes and shifts beneath my feet  constantly and it forces me to stay present and focused.     I have come to love this practice.       The other day, I decided to get in a trail run before work.  It was cold and gray with temperatures around 15 degrees Fahrenheit.  I had hoped the mud was frozen and the soft coating of snow that had recently fallen...

  This past Sunday was 15 years since my son passed away.  I thought a lot about Aidan all week.     Fifteen is such a big number, so many years. This anniversary felt hard, lonely – the whole world moved on without him but there’s a part of me still stuck there, 15 years ago holding on to him, wishing for one more miracle.     For me it hurts like it happened yesterday but 15 year later, raw and broken. I feel like I should be more okay than I felt most of this week after living through the past 15 years.     It starts to feel like no matter how much time passes the raw unexplainable brokenness will never stop.     It’s dark and lonely, but I have learned over the years to find places to also love the darkness.        I love running in the dark mornings.  Eventually as I get into the run, for just a moment I feel like the whole world belongs to me and absolutely anything is possible.  There is a s...

  Happy New Year!   I started running again a lot this past year, although not as consistently as I need to or would like to.  I have struggled with changes in my routine and finding a rhythm to life.  The past couple years it has felt like every time I got moving something would switch it up again and I’d fall right off the track I was on.  I changed careers and work from home now, my house was full with all my kids during COVID and then it was just my youngest son and I and then another son moved back in.  Living with adult children is a very different dynamic than living with children.  The expectations on both sides are challenging to navigate. I’m also back in school working on another degree and sometimes work is just very demanding.  Well, the truth is, those are all my excuses.  It’s the hill and obstacle I  built on my path to give myself reasons to not do what I know I need to do. The wor...