Sneakers and Wine

Today is Aidan's 10th birthday. This is the 6th year we have celebrated him without him physically being present. I'd be lying to say it gets any easier but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.  Over the years we've celebrated with hundreds, then dozens, then a handful, and now, it's just the 5 of us, the boys and I. I like our celebrations. A choice to say thank you for the joy his life gave us and celebrate the love he shared. A choice to smile more than cry today because Aidan always worried when anyone cried. A choice to stand and move forward in life instead of stopping. I thought of Aidan all day today, in all I did.  I pushed through a workout which challenged me today and I wasn't expecting to be quite so challenged. I knew it would end once I completed all the rounds so I pushed through that urge to stop, to quit. I chose to work a little harder to finish what I started. I realized today I learned this from Aidan, watching him struggle just to breathe bu...

The Plunge There's a trend going around our community that my children first participated in weeks ago called The Polar Plunge Challenge. Each plunger nominates/calls out 5 additional plungers. You have 24 hours to complete your plunge if called out or you must make a donation to charity. And it goes on and on with the kids until recently some adults became nominated. I was called out and completed my plunge. It was slightly ridiculous and I knew that. I got a kick out of watching my boys having so much silly fun but I was apprehensive to be so silly myself.  Everything in my life has been so serious for so long I think, in a lot of ways, I almost forgot how to be silly. Saturday, I ran just shy of 13 miles with my friend Robyn ( who called me out ) and another runner, Becky.  Somewhere between miles 8-10 I was thinking about my schedule for the day and decided I just wanted to get the plunge over with as soon as we finished the run.   My legs were sore and I began ...

May 18, 2014 A Run with Lemony Snicket The past couple weeks have been a series of challenges, challenges I neither expected or was prepared for.   These challenges left me just short of paralyzed in fear and angst.    I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t distract myself in a book, I couldn’t clean, I barely managed to keep the boys on schedule and   produce three meals for our family of 5 each day, and laundry, well you can imagine what that looked like.   And running, training for the half marathon, well, it just didn’t happen. The Saturday night before mother’s day, I was feeling as low and defeated as I’ve felt in a long long time.   The life I had rebuilt from nothing for my boys and myself was hanging on the precipice of a cliff along with my job.   I was terrified. I searched for the lessons in the challenges as the weights continued to increase. “I don’t want to be stronger,” I screamed inside.   I sat in bed sipping my tea that eve...

May 2, 2014 It’s May, It’s finally May!   April truly wanted to get in the last of her showers this week though and with only a couple of weeks before the Brooklyn Half, I really had no choice but to get out and run rain or shine.   I usually love running in the rain, in the summer, but I was dreading running in the cold rain.   I did it though and of all the weeks I needed a run in the rain, this was it. Combining a run with rain is simply cathartic, it washes away all the stuff, and clears my mind.   As I was getting ready for my run, I received a text from my mother, “Dad is cancer free.” A year ago everything was so touch and go and as a family, we clung to strands of hope, but I had my doubts, it didn’t look good.   I mentally prepared myself for the loss and treasured every hug and every minute I could squeeze in.   My dad has always told me, I can do anything in life with three Ps; prayer, patience, perseverance.      ...

Sidelines  April 26, 2014 The other day, my coach gave me a high five.   It seems so simple and silly.   I give out high fives all day long to my students, often incorporating in some crossing midline just to insure I’ve utilized each moment of our treatment session. Every high five also comes with a bright smile full of pride and then I know why I do what I do.   But when my coach gave me a high five a few days ago and said he was proud of me, my day shifted.   I could feel myself hold my shoulders proud and just like that I was ready to conquer the world.   As a single mom, I rarely, if ever, get any recognition for anything I do.   Of course my children will throw me an occasional “thanks mom.” But it’s the little things that make all the difference and on that particular day, I needed a high five. I was running the next morning on my own just thinking and I got to thinking about how that high five changed my day, eventually as ...

April 18, 2014 Just Love I was in my basement the other day, pulling out some of the Easter things for my boys.   My eye caught the boxes with Aidan’s name on them.   By some miracle, during Sandy, nothing of his was destroyed, it all stayed dry and wasn’t touched by even a drop of water.   I know those things aren’t him but it sure helps to have them there to touch now and then. For a moment, I just wanted to cry.   I am just so tired of this grief crap sneaking up on me when I’m just trying to get things done.   But there it was, trying to choke me again, except   this time, I drew my breath inward filling my lungs and then exhaled as I felt tears filling my eyes and I just stopped resisting it. A few tears fell from my eyes as I repeated my breath several times, I focused on Aidan, his love, pure love and all the joy he gave so freely.   Eventually that paralyzing moment left and I moved on with what I had initially intended to do when I ...